SKINNY BITCH

This no-nonsense, tough love guide for savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous is soooooo funny. I totally recommend it. So if you can't take one more day of self-loathing, you're ready to hear the truth. You cannot keep shoveling the same crap into your mouth every day and expect to lose weight. Don't acted surprised! Smoking is for losers and so 1989 and totally uncool. Beer is for frat boys not skinny bitches. It makes you fat, bloated, and farty. Soda is liquid satan. It is the devil. Now don't go patting yourself on the back if you drink diet soda either. It's even worse. Sugar is the devil too. If you don't exorcise this demon from your diet, you will never be a skinny bitch. Coffee is for pussies and makes your breath smell like ASS. Whenever you see the words "fat-free" or "low-fat" think of the words "chemical shit storm." Are  you a pill popper and reach for over the counter medicine for every sniffle, ache, and pain? Toughen up. The Atkins diet. Hmm. Eat the flesh of dead cows, dead pigs, and dead chickens. Avoid fresh fruit. You are a total moron if you think the Atkins diet will make you thin. You are what you eat. Every time you put crap in your body, you are crap. It is a complete myth that we need a massive amount of protein. Have you ever, ever, ever, in your entire life heard of anyone suffering from a protein deficiency?  Have no faith: Government agencies don't give a shit about your health. So don't be a pussy and start eating the healthy foods you should be. These are just a few blurps that these self-taught know-it-all, former models talk about. So run down to the local book store and get a copy. They will have you in stitches....... 

STUD MUFFIN

What a stud muffin right? HAHA... I was laughing at the side comb over cuz I think he may have been 5 the last time he wore his hair that way. Wait or I combed his hair that way. I wouldn't know if he even combs his hair now cuz he's always wearing a hat.  I'm actually very surprised he let me take these pixs cuz this is the boy whom hides in between both shower curtains in fear that Ken or I will pass by and see his butt! I've reminded him that I've seen him naked most of his life and wiped his bum. Trust me dear... paybacks are HELL! His day will come to be wiping my butt! 

THE BABY BIKE

Since we haven't been able to find powerwheels and mimic the last two videos I've posted we had to pull out the ""baby bike." 

This was not as easy as it looks. Balancing is very hard on this baby! Check out the rims....sweet!
Trying to ride double with Little D.
Skyler....Bee...beep!
Working on some tricks.
Look Mom... no hands! WHOO
Trying to look all GQ....
And the final move....wheely!

JUST FOR MIKE!

This is just for Mike. The f*** word is for Meg! Thinking this would be fun too!!!!

POWER WHEELS RACING GREATEST HITS

My son and his friends want to do this! Actually I think it would be a blast!!!

PRICELESS

This is JJ and these are gifts for him to promote "safe sex" cuz he's still a teenager and he don't be needing no babies.  Ya see, a group of us, (his father, mother-in-law, sister, etc) went out for dinner the other night and I got a brain storm. "Hey, don't throw away your wrapper that the silverware comes in, I have an idea." So I informed everyone that the wrappers would make a great gag gift... condoms. I have rubber bands at home that I'll put inside of them. Now Joy said, "What about wet wipes in these packets here?" OOOO yes. So we loaded up on them. The plan now was to give these great goodies to him at the Bowling Alley on Saturday night during league. As I was looking for the rubber bands, Ken says, "Do you still have any rubber bands from Skyler's braces?" I looked and DAMN I don't. Threw them all away. They would have been perfect beings they are the size of your little finger. We arrive at the bowling alley and I motion Joy over and into the back. We put a wet wipe and rubber band in each wrapper. I get the honor of presenting them to him, which I can clearly handle. As I walk out to the main room I look over at his friend and mouth the words, watch this. "Hey JJ?" He turns around and I hold the wrappers up and tell him, "It's best to always have rain gear buddy. There is enough for a week, (9 in all) and if you need anymore I can always get you some." The look on his face was priceless and the whole bowling alley was in complete stitches, I think I might have seen someone about fall off their chair from laughing so hard. Well someone has to promote safe sex being our school board doesn't think it should be taught in the public school anymore. So here's the price breakdown.  Wrappers.....FREE

                                   Wet Wipes...FREE

                                      Rubber bands.....FREE

                                       The look on JJ's face......PRICELESS

               

BON QUI QUI

I'm just glad that this has never happened to me.

DINNER DATES

Am I frickin crazy? OMG, so lastnight I took Skyler, Donny, Kyle and Eric over for dinner in Powell at the Chinese restaurant beings Ken is out of town. Mind you, two are 18 and two are 17 yrs. old.... and boys!  Of course they wanted to go in the pimpin ride... my Escalade. Before the night was over it was being called the short bus! We jammed to 20 on 20, The Heat, Pop2k, and was jumping channels to find Taylor Swifts song Love Story. Donny and Eric sang at the top of their lungs and knew every word. Believe me when I say that Taylor sings it much better. So we get to the restaurant and the boys are being... well boys. They seat us at the table and after we all go get our food I notice that the ladies beside are well....... very religious. The kind that wear only long dresses and keep their hair long. You can spot these type in a crowd. I remind the boys to be respectful and watch their language. The language never changed, they just talked softer. I'm sure everyone was glad to see us leave and I sure got the looks when we arrived and I was with 4 teenage boys whom were all hanging on me. NICE! If I recall correctly that term is called a "cougar." I being the wonderful, fun, easy going mom payed the tab, then decide lets go to Dairy Queen, Donny's buying. Ok so to Walmart for "molli coolz." Then back to the house where I learned all their secrets. Drinking and other topics. Did you know that if you put butter in the funnel on a beer bong it won't foam? WOW! They had a pole shimmy contest and then we called it a night. Of course I picked them all up and they need to get a ride home, so "THE KID" steals the Escalade key and they are out the door in a flash.  As Kyle put it, "They were pimpin dirty."

After crusing a few mains, so the chicka's might notice, Sky pulls in and tells me. "I want an Escalade, DAMN." Save your pennies baby, save your pennies! Oh if his father only knew. Needless to say, it's ruff having so many sons by another mother.

VICTORIA'S SECRET

Yes... Victoria has a secret. It's called the push-up bra. Do I own one? HELL yes, or two but who's counting. My sister and I decided to go try on bra's one day in Victoria's Secret. The latest and greatest bra was the push it up.... push it in. So we grab the size we think we need by what the sales girl told us. "You need one cup size smaller", we were informed. Well I'm a whoppin "A" and my sister is a "D". Yes she was blessed with all the boobs and I was left with nothing. I'm the after thought. So we go to the same dressing room to try these great creations on. We get them on and look in the mirror and we both start laughing our butts off. Crying is more like it. Why? Well I didn't have enough boobs to fill the damn bra out, and my sister asked me, "Are you suppose to be falling out the front and sides?" "I'm thinking not", I told her. The poor sales girl keep asking us if everything was OK. Ya we told her, but neither one of us fit in the bra. So needless to say we didn't purchase the bra's, and left the store still laughing.

SHE'S DONE IT AGAIN

The food addict was at it again. What may she have done this time. Gee?! Guess? She had a little bit of Skyler's 18th birthday cake. A little meaning... half the cake. Half white cake and half chocolate. That's suppose to kill dogs right. Not this turd. This isn't the first chocolate cake she has eating, and she is still alive. Ya see, I hid it in the oven and had to take it out to cook potatoes for the super bowl party and placed it on the back of the stove. Well miss "can't miss a meal" got it from off the stove and had her own party while we were away. Skyler was blessed to find it first and clean it up. I still found cake evidence on the cabinets, counter, and tile floor when I got home. Funny thing was she was bloated and was up most of the night moaning. I however was not impressed when I got home this evening and went upstairs and found two piles of dog doo! She can't poo on the wood floor which would be easy to clean, Oh no she prefers the plush carpet. Please someone tell me again why the hell I have her?! O ya.... It's Ken's fault. He wanted her to begin with! And for the record....he picked her out too!